Life Between 0 and 1

First, sorry for the gap in posts.  This time of year has always been quite chaotic and finding time to sit down and write let alone thinking about what you want to write at the same time is sometimes next to impossible.  With Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas in a row without much of a break is tough for almost everyone.  I’m sure anyone with kids can relate completely to what I’m trying to say.

That brings me to my first thought and I’ve been working on this for years.  My career in technology, some 14 years, has turned my thought processes very logical and as a result my actions seem methodical.  I approach most “life things” with that type of logical thinking almost automatically without much thought to it.  For work, which is appropriate, it works fine and lets me get a lot of work done rather quickly.  The problem lies in when I do the same for non-work stuff.  Anyone with a family (all of us) knows that logic often doesn’t apply to most situations and results in descriptive words towards oneself from others like withdrawn, angry, depressed, etc.  Negativity sucks, especially when its not an intention outcome.

What brought me to this brilliant flash of the obvious (pan to head) was the latest problems I’ve had with my brother.  An exact polar opposite of me, generally we never agree with each other and have that pesky stubborn streak from Dad that prevents us from seeing the others point of view.  It’s led to a strained relationship and now that kids are involved on both sides, has led to an isolationist attitude where the line “Well, if he’s not going to come to xyz, then I’m not going to his abc!”  Ridiculous when you actually look back and reflect on it, but in the heat of the moment it seems like the right decision.  Neither one of us wants to be the bigger person and step outside of our boxes and make the first attempt to sort of agree to disagree.  That is, until now.

It’s sad when thinking about it and putting it into words that this point has actually been reached.  One of those things I imagine that we’ll both look back on in 20 years and have a “remember when…” conversation.  But that doesn’t change what I know I need to do to get past it.  I’m willing to forgive the things that has made me angry in the past few years to get us both to this point.  I’m willing to step into a role that doesn’t have my every decision pitted against what exactly he would NOT want me to do.  I’m willing, period.  My fear is that he won’t be willing.  He won’t want to make things better and will immediately become defensive to the point where no progress will be made.  He will be pushed farther away than we already are…..

The worst part of all this is that my parents are stuck in the middle.  Brother is in PA, I’m in PA, parents are in North Carolina.  When they visit, its a battle sometimes to get time with them.  I’ve resorted to falling back on the main reason they’re visiting, and then backing off when it logically doesn’t involve me (see previous comments).  It often makes them think that I’m mad or don’t want to see them, an unfortunate side effect of being knee jerk logical.  I’ve tried to explain it to them, but they’re my parents, all they see is their first born no matter what I try to explain.

Wow, its out of my head and I’m still as confused on what to do next.  Whatever my decision, its going to be soon and definitely before Christmas because stuff like this, once its in my head, doesn’t turn out well when given some festering time.  Depending on how it goes once I do make the final decision, might make it on here.  That is after all the main reason I do this online.  Technology at its finest!