Life Between 0 and 1

I’m not happy and haven’t been in a while. The whole going through the motions thing has been my go to for several months, or even a few years, because that is what I can handle right now. Thinking about this now for hours before deciding to open up a browser, I have come to the conclusion that most aspects of my life currently are far from ideal or happy as they have been so many times in the past.

In general I am relatively calm and observant of most situations I find myself to be in. When you don’t smile much or engage in meaningful conversation with people around you, it tends to get noticed. That’s exactly why over the last few days, everything and everyone has been pushed away to a modest distance. The dog, still in our name, but living at my in-laws house to keep their dog company, had a stroke over the weekend and neither of my in-laws can actually life a 100+ lb. German Sheppard. She was at our house almost a full 24 hours with no improvement and I am not one to watch an animal suffer. Call me cold, or uncaring, however I hate everything about forcing a pet to suffer so that the human being can feel better. It’s horribly cruel and doesn’t help anyone other than the human. I told my in-laws as much and told them if they take her back to their house, her future is in their hands because they refused to let me do the compassionate thing. She’s at their house right now with only marginal improvement. Not walking or eating on their own yet.

My daughter, who’s 17 in 3 months, has been waffling between angry and furious at random things. When a parent is beaten down verbally by their own child, my motivation to do more than the bare minimum of “needs” is non-existent. For example, she was working at the local supermarket, making her own money. Not once did I get on her for how she spent her money, it was done to me until I moved out of my parents house and I would never do that to her. Now she has quit that job because “gen-z reasons” but still wants to go shopping, eating out with her friends, etc…… There is just one problem, Dad Bank is now closed to anything other than needs (basically food, shelter, clothing, etc.). Money to go hang out with friends… No. Money to buy things online…. No. Money to buy a new set of headphones because you threw the other ones against the wall and broke them… No. Money to get a mobile phone plan to get away from the minor restrictions on the phone I provide… Well, until she’s the age of majority, that one doesn’t matter.

I’m tired of feeling so disconnected and unhappy all the time. So many things around me just don’t go according to plan or expectation, even reasonable expectations are dreams in the sky. Although I don’t believe I’m the main cause for this, I can’t help but think that my poor disposition is contagious to the people around me and my ability to perform tasks is hindered because my head isn’t in the game. All the things that I used to turn to when I got this way are no longer available or not helpful anymore.