Feeling Numb

I’m having an extended period of time where nothing feels right, no motivation to do anything, people feel hard, and an overall general lack of caring about anything. It feels as though I’m just sitting still while everyone and everything around me is still moving forward. It’s the same feeling I get when I’m in a room full of people but feel more alone than usual regardless of whether I engage and participate or just fade to the background. Why can’t I shake this feeling?

Regardless of having someone to talk to on a regular basis and meds being prescribed for a few “general” issues, this overall generalized feeling doesn’t ever really go away. Some days it’s in the foreground and other days it’s in the background. I can’t actually say with confidence that I feel happy or content or am numb and going through things on autopilot. I’ve been here before and got through it, but this time it’s different, more focused and urgent. What is the most annoying is that I can’t seem to narrow down the cause despite talking about this multiple times to at least two different medical professionals.

It’s getting harder for me to hide what’s inside so that I can avoid the frustrating questions about why I’m not “myself”… whatever that means. I’ve been with my wife for over 27 years, she still has not seen the true me, the person I am in my head versus the person I am on the outside. If I knew what normal was, I would probably want to feel that way. As I’ve gotten older, it has become increasingly hard to ignore what I’m thinking and feeling. My inner voice is screaming at me all day long about everything without a single moment of silence. The only time it goes away, or rather fades to the background, is when I indulge in a spicy edible. I don’t function on that though, so it isn’t a fix, it’s just a bandaid.

There’s all this bullshit with the government. I don’t like working anymore because I no longer see a personal benefit from it beyond a paycheck. I rarely smile at anything. I keep watching the same movies and shows because I don’t have to pay attention, but it keeps the questions from those around me paused for a brief period. The daughter has quite another job and is rotting away daily in her bed or on the sofa not taking her regular meds on a consistent basis. The weeks are filled with hurried busy work to make it to the weekend again to just start it all over again.

I don’t feel connected to anything anymore.